Life as I know it keeps twisting and changing. Evolving into something so new, so different to what I'm so used to. I have come to realise that there is nobody in this immense space, who could care for me, in the way that I could care for myself. Somehow, now, I'm feeling uncomfortable feeling comfortable, with my numbness; with my aloneness. I maybe fear falling into the sordid trap of shutting people and emotions out, to the point of feeling so much happier and protected than when out there. For, in my tiny shell, who could possibly hurt me? All I have is my music, my pen and my thoughts.Thoughts which are focused on a forgotten childhood, lost adoloscence and an uncertain future. But I am content. I am happy to see myself healing the way I am. I don't feel that physical pressing of the rib-cage, right into my heart. I don't feel that sort of pain anymore. What I do feel is my mind racing, constantly working, deep in thought. Will this ever cease, or pause a little, for a while? Will I ever let go and stop trying to make sense of a mirky past and unbearable memories? I have recently had positive days, where i felt freed from some memories, which have enslaved me into a life of insecurities and confusion. Yet still, there is something missing, something not quite fixed. Perhaps, there is still the need for more healing. More time to reconcile and reconnect with myself. To come to terms with who I really am and what I am capable of. For, I have a name, an age, a nationality but I feel no identity.
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Hey Gabriella!
I came to your blog via your comment on mine.
The loneliness of so many of us is so palpable one can create a musical score out of it! It will not necessarily be violins though, sometimes it is wildly beating drums that only one person can hear.
Having said that, it is my experience (twice in length of yours, I might add - though that means little sometimes!!) that while, essentially, we are alone we are also so interconnected with the rest of life and so plugged into one giant system that being alone does not have to lead to painful and despairing loneliness. We are in it together and a recognition is both comforting and uplifting.
Stay in touch...
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