Inner Peace

Just when I feel that I am on my way up to a better, more peaceful life, something, or rather someone, a ghost from the past re-emerges to haunt me. It's a subtle presence, with lots of hidden messages. They leave me to wonder, to re-consider and to dream, but also to despise and to hate myself for having these feelings, which I so worked hard to eliminate from my system. I thought he moved on. I thought I did too, now im left wondering. I don't like being in this state of thought. I don't like breaking down all that I have built. The person I am today is a stronger one, but today I feel weak and unsure. I'm confused about what I am feeling, but most importantly why. Will I ever have a clear vision of what i'm supposed to do?

Everyone tells me to move forward, but i'm stuck here...

A Sampled Heartbeat and a Stolen Soul

Life as I know it keeps twisting and changing. Evolving into something so new, so different to what I'm so used to. I have come to realise that there is nobody in this immense space, who could care for me, in the way that I could care for myself. Somehow, now, I'm feeling uncomfortable feeling comfortable, with my numbness; with my aloneness. I maybe fear falling into the sordid trap of shutting people and emotions out, to the point of feeling so much happier and protected than when out there. For, in my tiny shell, who could possibly hurt me? All I have is my music, my pen and my thoughts.Thoughts which are focused on a forgotten childhood, lost adoloscence and an uncertain future. But I am content. I am happy to see myself healing the way I am. I don't feel that physical pressing of the rib-cage, right into my heart. I don't feel that sort of pain anymore. What I do feel is my mind racing, constantly working, deep in thought. Will this ever cease, or pause a little, for a while? Will I ever let go and stop trying to make sense of a mirky past and unbearable memories? I have recently had positive days, where i felt freed from some memories, which have enslaved me into a life of insecurities and confusion. Yet still, there is something missing, something not quite fixed. Perhaps, there is still the need for more healing. More time to reconcile and reconnect with myself. To come to terms with who I really am and what I am capable of. For, I have a name, an age, a nationality but I feel no identity.